Quitting is an Option

Have you ever wanted to quit something but suffered through anyway because someone told you you’d be a failure if you quit?

Well, don’t listen to them. They’re not necessarily correct.

I recently called it quits. 

Up to now, I’m not what anyone would consider a quitter. Perhaps that’s because, contrary to popular opinion, quitting is hard, not easy. Quitting is not simply giving up or admitting failure.

No one needs to encourage me to keep going. Keeping going despite endless failures and unhappiness, pain and sadness is the normal human tendency, especially mine. 

So it’s quitting that’s hard. That means that you have to make a change. Stop and do something else. That’s the opposite of physics law which states that objects in motion stay in motion. I had to exert a lot of effort and determination to quit. I had to accept and acknowledge that my life will be drastically different going forward. 

Furthermore, this change comes after a lifetime of struggle for the same thing. The struggle for a loving, or at least, peaceable, relationship with my mother. After growing up with an unloving, narcissist mother who never said “I love you,” or “You’re beautiful,” who never hugged or kissed, but instead said things like, “No matter how many A’s you get in school, you’ll always be stupid, “ and “You’re ugly…you look just like your dad,” and “You’re the devil’s child,” I thought that perhaps in adulthood, our relationship could evolve at least into an amicable one without dwelling into the past. 

Post college, it took 10 years of estrangement before I made the attempt to reconnect with my mother. Over several years, this reconnection was rocky yet I persevered in an attempt to find some meaning in a relationship like other people have with their mothers. Finally, though, after several episodes of her pointing her finger at me and saying, “Don’t talk down to me….don’t you EVER talk down to me…” I realized she will never change. 

As a narcissist, she likes the idea of a daughter, but she doesn’t know the first thing about how to love someone, or even truly like someone.  For my own self-preservation and whatever self-esteem I have left, I have to walk away…for good.

Quitting isn’t failure. Instead, you fail yourself when you don’t stop the pain. Sometimes quitting is success.  

Is life fair

Is life fair? Would you really want it to be?

In both the animal and plant world, it is quite obvious that nature has not conspired to set upon itself “rules of fairness.” However, some people believe that we are set apart from the laws of nature and that “fairness” should apply.

No plant, animal or human is born “equal” to one another. Each is unique.  GMO (genetically modified organisms) shoots a hole in that statement, but while GMO takes away the uniqueness, it doesn’t instill in the organisms “fairness.” Or does it?

If life were truly “fair,” then everyone and everything would die at the same age, in the same way and in the same amount of suffering. Anything short of that is unfair.

Not even the promise of an afterlife or heaven can right the “wrongs” of the unfairness of life. If someone dies unexpectedly and in a horrible, unnecessary way whether it be at the hands of a murderer, rapist or just plain bad luck of a disease or an accident, the promise of an afterlife holds no equalizing remedy for the unfairness of death or suffering. At least not for me. What about you?

Think of it this way: A baby born, then dying immediately, and a 90 year old having lived a full life can each share in the “joys of heaven” yet their lives on earth were in no way equal and never will be. I don’t see how the idea of an afterlife or heaven holds any justification for what happened on earth.

Instead of focusing on death and what comes after, I choose to focus on life. I strive to  take control of my life and follow my conscience so that my actions match my sensibilities. Yes, unfairness can and will happen. There will be stumbling blocks along the way. There are no guarantees.  But I still strive to be the master of my life and those stumbling blocks will not deter me.  As I’ve heard before, once you master the rules you can break them. Once you master the skill, you can create outside the box. Once you learn how to paint, you can color outside the lines.

I want to be the creator of my own life. Don’t you?

Introduction To Black Sheep Speaks

Welcome to the black sheep blog.

Here you will have an opportunity to share your innermost thoughts, feelings and ideas with me, a self-described black sheep. I will be blogging about my own thoughts, feelings and emotions on topics that can be considered sensitive, awkward, and difficult to pin down.

Yet, these topics are the very subjects that help us define ourselves by our morality, ethics, religious views, knowledge and day to day living standards.

Here are glimpses of what you will find within this blog:

"You'll never be a success," my dad remarked recently out of the blue. "You have bad genes." How would you respond to that? I'll tell you how I did.

I finally called it quits. Until now, I am not what you'd normally call a quitter. But, I discovered that sometimes NOT quitting is easier than quitting, Quitting is hard because you have to make a change. You have to do something different. I'll tell you more about how quitting was the right thing for me. Quitting isn't failure. Instead, you fail yourself when you don't stop the pain.

It just is. Life is not fair. And the more we try to make it fair, the more unfair it becomes. I reflect on how by the very nature of us being born to families we do not choose, we have already entered into the lottery of life.

As a child, I always dreamed of living on my own private sanctuary so I could relieve as much pain in the world as possible for both animals and humans. While I am far from reaching this utopian goal, I strive to exact minimal damage to the environment and sentient beings by living according to my conscience on a horse farm with a husband who is dedicated to helping support these dreams.